Generational Curses-Impacting the Children

As traumatized children, we always dreamed that someone would come and save us. We never dreamed that it would, in fact, be ourselves as adults. 

Alice Little

I have been gone a while and the truth is…healing is difficult. It is challenging when being intentional on your journey. Healing is not pretty, and it brings so much mental embarrassment and shame. As an update, I am still doing the work every single day.

This photo that is posted above was taken with my niece and nephews. At first, I was just going to post it on social media because it literally brought tears to my eyes, but there is a bigger story behind the picture, and I wanted to write this down…talk therapy.

While on the healing journey, I found myself being focused on what I needed to do to begin healing. As I evolved, it was very easy to see that others around me weren’t at that stage. Maybe it was age, circumstance, or just denial. I have been in therapy for the past 15 years. I didn’t actively begin the intentionality of healing until I was 27 years old. 11 years later, I am still in the work. With that in mind, as I was trying to navigate the evolving Tanisha, this also meant navigating everyone in my life and moving forward with my newfound strategies. What I have realized is as we are navigating this journey as adults, often those who suffer are the children who surround us.

In many cases, because of my healing needs, I have had to determine how I allow others to show up in my life based on how they impact me mentally and emotionally. I really became tired of “being the bigger person” and apologizing, but as soon as a disagreement came along, I would be met with anger and jabs that created deeper wounds. Why did I continue to put myself through that? The answer was I was trying to keep everything together to prevent a larger hole in the void that was already there. It made me depressed to feel I could have a healthy relationship with everyone on this earth, but not those I sacrificed my life for or those who were given the task to keep me safe from harm as a child. This void alone led me down many dark paths, making me envious of others and depressed. Through healing, I sought out individuals to fill the void. Individuals who poured into me as much as I poured into them. Individuals who love and care about me unconditionally. It is not to say the void is gone, but when I reflect on where my life is because of these people, it brings me comfort.

I mention all of this because while we are healing and deciding how others are showing up, the children miss out. It had been an entire year since I laid eyes on my niece and nephews. It was as though we picked up right where we left off. Tons of smiles, laughter, and of course sadness when we had to part.

We need to work harder as adults to figure out how to not let the healing process inadvertently be traumatizing to children. Otherwise, have we not created the same generational cycle on them, just in another form? They then possibly grow up thinking they are unwanted by those who should be the closest to them because of not building a relationship as a child. If something happens to their parents, they then have to travel down the same path I did, finding their own village?

I agree it is hard letting someone back in your space when you have found a place of peace, but the children being young, and dependent is only temporary. Soon enough they will be grown adults and, at that moment, when navigating life becomes difficult for them, you can then be a support system.

Closing out, I have had this conversation with my therapist many times. I must stop taking on the burden of communication that takes two people. Move on. These are a few sayings that come from others:

• The phone goes both ways
• The highway goes both ways
• You know where I am and how to get ahold of me

All of this is just a way to relinquish taking accountability. If these conversations never happen, I am at peace with it because we cannot control the actions of others. I know I have become a wonderful person, mother, and friend. One day I will be gone, and it will all become a what if. I must live the life I have now. For myself and my son. I’ll strive to be back sooner!

Be Strong, Be You

Just Your Average Day-Father’s Day 2021

Photo by Madison Inouye on Pexels.com

“Once you understand what love is, you may come to the realization that your parents couldn’t or didn’t know how to be loving. This is one of the saddest truths you will ever have to accept. But when you clearly define and acknowledge your parents’ limitations, and the losses you suffered because of them, you open a door in your life for people who will love you the way you deserve to be loved—the real way.”

Susan Forward, Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

Did you think I was going to skip over Father’s Day and not say a word?!?! Yesterday, I saw so many beautiful photos and messages uplifting fathers from all walks of life, I could not bring myself to post anything negative. Let’s be honest, I typically do blast how parent holidays impact me and the effects of not having a healthy parent relationship, but yesterday was not the day. Again, Happy Belated Father’s Day to fathers reading this and show up and support their children.

So now to my unhealed trauma (Face Palm). I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors. This is a part of my healing journey. As we visited in previous posts, I have two fathers. One who was in my life since I could remember and my biological father, I was made aware of later in life. I used to be very offended when people would say the words “daddy issues”, but if you had or are in a healthy relationship with your father, imagine what your life would be like if they simply were never there. Imagine if you had no guidance, no love and to top it all off…. abuse.

To me, the thing about battling against those that are suppose to protect you, once you go against them, there is literally no other person in the world to be fearful of. As children, we spend our lives being told to respect and obey our parents, but in my case, I stood up for myself and here we are. I have two dads and am basically fatherless. Truthfully, it’s for the best…it brings me peace and healing.

To the father I grew up with, I am working every day to heal from the hurt you caused on my life. The fact that you were able to get away with what you did sickens me to my stomach. It infuriates me. The fact that you surrounded yourself with people who would not tell about anything you did, makes this world a more unsafe place for every child you encounter. I always pray you reap what you sow for what you did. As a child enduring bullying and self-esteem issues due to Alopecia, you used your power over me and broke me. As an adult, it takes so much for me to trust men with my life. I hate it sometimes. I have become super independent because if my world is going to crash again, it will be because I did something that made it crash, not a man. In all of this, as I heal, I will find the love that is for me. I hate that my brothers are connected to you. I love them so much and I don’t want them to be upset, but I am grateful they understand my process of healing. For the ones that may still struggle with this, continue to find your own healing. We were all impacted in some way during our childhood.

To the father that I met later in life, the whole story about making a deal to not be in my life and let father number one raise me…well…see how that turned out? The fact that you were eventually made aware of the abuse and did absolutely nothing, was shocking. The fact that I grew into a wonderful, strong, and beautiful mother and professional without you is nothing short of a miracle. When I was going through the abuse and found out you existed, I was deeply hurt. Even at 37, I often think, why didn’t he just come get me? Who knows…maybe you were not in the place to do so? On a positive note, after meeting you, I enjoyed the relationship we had. I enjoyed the laughs and memories created, but then we had our disagreement and you told me “To go back over to my other family before I came to this family” and that was it for me. Given the tangled web of a family tree we have, my family was always your family. Regardless, you said what you said, and it is what it is. I have reached out a few times, with no response from you since then, but I did not let it hurt me. I thought, I reached out, there was no response and I just fell back into how things were before I even knew who you were…. a place where you don’t exist. I have accepted that.

My Father’s Day consisted of time spent with family and friends and for the first time, outside of the many social media posts, it truly felt like another day. Additionally, I am thankful to the many men I have crossed paths within my life who have showed up as a father figure for me when I needed it the most. To all the wonderful fathers out there, we see you and we appreciate you. Continue to uplift and protect your children at all costs. If you are a father out here who isn’t being the best father your child deserves, DO BETTER. The result is devastating. Your child/children may not survive it. If they do, they may spend many, many years of their lives trying to heal.

Be Strong, Be You

Mental Health Awareness Month-Suicide

Therapy is not about placing blame, it is about getting to the root of the pain.

Going to therapy leaves you feeling emotionally vulnerable, but also leaves you feeling relieved. At last night’s session, I talked about the moment, April 5, 2021, I was ready to go. If you have never contemplated suicide, I can understand why this may be complex to understand.

When this moment occurs, typically there are many situations that lead up to this point. For me, I have abandonment issues. I am not afraid to admit this. It is something I am working through. It is not necessarily just people, but it is also experiences. There was this one moment in my career, I was crushed. I thought I was never going to work in education again, because someone else didn’t see my worth. That was a moment to overcome. It triggered me. Honestly and sadly, I have began to put minimal energy into the people who are not a part of my everyday life. There are many people in my life who never know what is happening with me, make assumptions about what they think I am doing and I just keep moving forward. Although I am creating my non-traditional family, this too can be a trigger. These people are not my family biologically or by law; however, they become my family through a bond. When they leave, simply put, it hurts. It feels like death. I spend a great deal of myself pouring into that relationship and for me, when life results in them leaving, I am shook. I am left empty with another gaping hole. It feels as though I am floating in life with no true sense of where I belong. Therapy is helping me fill these empty holes with myself. I am learning to pour into myself.

From the dreadful 2020-present, I suffered too many losses I could handle. So, on this particular night in April, I prepared to die. In my mind, I thought, I do not want my son to find me. That would be too traumatic as though the loss of a parent wasn’t traumatic enough. I wrote down all my passwords, cleaned my room, found a place to hide my keys and bank information and I began to formulate a text to my son’s father. I wanted him to find anything he needed and have access to everything he would need for my son. I formulated an email to my boss explaining how sorry I was to leave such an amazing year. That was it. They were the only two people I felt the need to communicate with. Looking back, how sad was that? I already knew my “911” crew would have dropped everything to come save me and I did not want that. Let me go.  

After I completed all of the preparation, to this moment, I remembered laying down in my bed and just lying there. I was thinking, I believe I am ready. I thought about my son, my beloved friends, the kids at my job and everyone my life had impacted. I just sobbed. I didn’t even know exactly what the source of my pain was, but the pain was there. Looking back, not one time did I think about my actual family. Not once did I even care if my family knew I was gone. They don’t talk to me when I am alive, why would they suddenly care when I am dead?

This led me down a road to explore, they (Specific people from specific situations) are the source of my hurt and I need to take care of me. I began to use my thoughts about everyone else in my life and that outweighed the bad. Now, I am working on letting them go. I feel everyone around me is traumatized in some way. We have all been through situations that deeply hurt us. While I understand their pain, I cannot help them. I can only save myself.  

I need to continuously love Tanisha. If no one checks on me, cares to see how I am doing, or keeps making dumb excuses to talk to me then GOODBYE. I have a true purpose in this life, and I need to focus on me. I am so hungry to heal, if my therapist said, “We have this new sky diving mental exercise!” I would take the leap with no hesitation. I have spent enough time thinking about others, moving forward, I will continue to focus on my healing.

There are many myths about suicide. I think it is important to hear the perspective of someone who has survived this feeling…a few times. Again, I am not looking for sympathy, I am just bringing awareness. In this moment, I am glad to be alive. It is refreshing to hear me say that. I am here to help someone else not feel alone…to not feel misunderstood, or forgotten. Do WHATEVER it takes to heal. You will survive this. Find your place of healing.

Be Strong, Be You.