As you read this, I am not looking for sympathy, but I am here to bring awareness. (Excuse any typos…I am writing with courage). I want people to understand mental health is real. I am that person who feels me talking about my mental health is a bother to someone else. I am that person who wonders does anyone actually care about what I am going through? I am a helper, so that has also become my downfall on many occasions. This has triggered so many depressive episodes and over time, I am learning to only help as far as I can mentally give. Physically, I could give so much more, but the downward spiral when it isn’t reciprocated is damaging to me. It reminds me of a statement to stop expecting me out of other people. I told my therapist, I feel I am there for everyone else…in my mind…I just want someone to be there in the same manner at the same intensity for me.
I have been actively battling mental health the last 10 years. I say actively because before then, I was just trying to survive it. I wasn’t sure what I was experiencing. After 10 years, at times, it can be discouraging to feel like I am still at a steep, uphill climb. I have a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder. Whenever a depressive episode hits me, it leads me down a dark path. All I can focus on is getting out of bed each day, putting one foot in front of the other and sadly, in my head, I have these conversations of why I should still fight for my life. My fight is thinking what my absence would do to the people that love and truly care about me.
What I have come to understand is it really doesn’t matter how much money I have or how my life looks because April 5 of just this year, I was ready to leave. The pain was just that great. What makes it hard is on the outside I look happy, I am smiling, I love my son, I love my job, but on the inside, there are deep wounds I am still working through to heal. I pray everyday, that I have conquered those fears and thoughts to live another day. I pray each day that any emotional trigger, I can handle.
When I began this blog, I thought…if I just get it off my chest, I will feel better. My theory was right. But, when I got to the parts of my life that were too hard to talk about, as you notice, I fell off. Every day, every week, every month and every year I thought about this blog. I couldn’t do it. So I guess my ability to speak on what has been painful is still bottled up inside of me. I can tell my therapist, but there is so much pain and shame. To make matters worse, so much pain has taken place within these past 10 years that have been piled on top of the pain I was initially enduring and here I am. Still standing. Still fighting.
I am thankful to the very few people in this world that I can be completely vulnerable with. (This sentence brings tears to my eyes and this is why this was not a video). If it weren’t for these few people, I would not be writing this today. To you, I say thank you for never judging me. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for helping me see the light when I couldn’t see it myself. Without you, I would not be here.
I am writing this today, on May 1, because my mental health journey has helped me realize how important it is to a fulfilling life. To me, this is where I will find complete happiness. It is true…you never know what is person is going through. Even if they look like a wonderful mother, educator, sister, and friend. You just never know. Be Aware…Be Strong Be You.
Be Strong, Be You 