As traumatized children, we always dreamed that someone would come and save us. We never dreamed that it would, in fact, be ourselves as adults.
Alice Little
I have been gone a while and the truth is…healing is difficult. It is challenging when being intentional on your journey. Healing is not pretty, and it brings so much mental embarrassment and shame. As an update, I am still doing the work every single day.
This photo that is posted above was taken with my niece and nephews. At first, I was just going to post it on social media because it literally brought tears to my eyes, but there is a bigger story behind the picture, and I wanted to write this down…talk therapy.
While on the healing journey, I found myself being focused on what I needed to do to begin healing. As I evolved, it was very easy to see that others around me weren’t at that stage. Maybe it was age, circumstance, or just denial. I have been in therapy for the past 15 years. I didn’t actively begin the intentionality of healing until I was 27 years old. 11 years later, I am still in the work. With that in mind, as I was trying to navigate the evolving Tanisha, this also meant navigating everyone in my life and moving forward with my newfound strategies. What I have realized is as we are navigating this journey as adults, often those who suffer are the children who surround us.
In many cases, because of my healing needs, I have had to determine how I allow others to show up in my life based on how they impact me mentally and emotionally. I really became tired of “being the bigger person” and apologizing, but as soon as a disagreement came along, I would be met with anger and jabs that created deeper wounds. Why did I continue to put myself through that? The answer was I was trying to keep everything together to prevent a larger hole in the void that was already there. It made me depressed to feel I could have a healthy relationship with everyone on this earth, but not those I sacrificed my life for or those who were given the task to keep me safe from harm as a child. This void alone led me down many dark paths, making me envious of others and depressed. Through healing, I sought out individuals to fill the void. Individuals who poured into me as much as I poured into them. Individuals who love and care about me unconditionally. It is not to say the void is gone, but when I reflect on where my life is because of these people, it brings me comfort.
I mention all of this because while we are healing and deciding how others are showing up, the children miss out. It had been an entire year since I laid eyes on my niece and nephews. It was as though we picked up right where we left off. Tons of smiles, laughter, and of course sadness when we had to part.
We need to work harder as adults to figure out how to not let the healing process inadvertently be traumatizing to children. Otherwise, have we not created the same generational cycle on them, just in another form? They then possibly grow up thinking they are unwanted by those who should be the closest to them because of not building a relationship as a child. If something happens to their parents, they then have to travel down the same path I did, finding their own village?
I agree it is hard letting someone back in your space when you have found a place of peace, but the children being young, and dependent is only temporary. Soon enough they will be grown adults and, at that moment, when navigating life becomes difficult for them, you can then be a support system.
Closing out, I have had this conversation with my therapist many times. I must stop taking on the burden of communication that takes two people. Move on. These are a few sayings that come from others:
- The phone goes both ways
- The highway goes both ways
- You know where I am and how to get ahold of me
All of this is just a way to relinquish taking accountability. If these conversations never happen, I am at peace with it because we cannot control the actions of others. I know I have become a wonderful person, mother, and friend. One day I will be gone, and it will all become a what if. I must live the life I have now. For myself and my son. I’ll strive to be back sooner!
Be Strong, Be You